life transitions

Here’s a preview of the latest Rona Shively novel, Now You See Me:

The realization hadn’t quite hit me all the way, but the minute the words were out of my mouth, a wave of panic shot through me. What kind of mother would I be? I had no idea what I was thinking. What made me think I had any business bringing a child into the world? I didn’t even know how to take care of myself. When it came to loving people, I was a first-class loser. Case in point, I had a guy here that wanted to marry me and I was trying to push him away because I felt like he loved me too much. Isn’t that the point? That someone would love you too much?

As I stood there, stunned by the realization that I had absolutely no confidence in my ability to be someone’s mother, Trey put his arms around me and pulled me to him. He completely abandoned his own pity party to pull me out of mine.

There’s alot going on with Rona. In case you missed the last installment, well, I’m not going to tell you. You’ll have to read the book. 😉 I’m hoping to have book 5 in the Rona Shively series out soon. Due to a series of unfortunate events, the writing of this book was delayed. But do not fear, it’s on the way…as are the many changes that will undoubtedly carry Rona into a whole new set of challenges.

But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. This is why it is said: “Wake up, sleeper, rise from the dead,and Christ will shine on you.”

~Ephesians 5:13-14~

Some days I fight with myself. Not in a psycho, Fight Club sort of way, but more like I just won’t allow myself to enjoy my life. On those days I somehow dig deep and find more and more ways to justify being unhappy. It makes no sense to me. I have everything I need. I’m not overly concerned with money or wanting things I don’t have. It’s more of a philosophical struggle with my own well-being. Do I not deserve to be happy? If I do, why can’t I convince myself that it’s really okay to have a good day?

Over the course of my life, I have been known to have a penchant for self-defeating behavior. I am compelled to take the most difficult route to my destination. I like to think of it in terms of my not being afraid of a challenge, but truthfully, I think it’s born more out of some sick, twisted fear of success. When I get really close to having a major breakthrough, I back off and simply stop doing whatever it is I’m doing right. I don’t necessarily start doing anything wrong, though in some cases I have, but I just don’t do anything that will advance me further.

For instance, I’m going through the beginning stages of a divorce right now. Having separated from my husband at the beginning of May, it’s been a little difficult to figure out what it is I’m supposed to be doing with myself. We were together for eleven years and it’s been quite difficult to retrain myself. I know that I don’t want to regress and live the life I was living before marriage. Before I got married, I wasn’t having any fun (though many would beg to differ) and I certainly didn’t feel empowered. During marriage, I felt less empowered but I could always blame it on him or at least on being part of a couple. I had lots of ideas about all of the things I would do if I would ever find myself single again and had no one to answer to but myself. But, now that I have the freedom to do those things, I really don’t want to. Hence, the fighting with myself. Even when there are no barriers, I tend to create them so it’s hard to know what is holding me back.

Thankfully, I have alot of time to think about things now and when I’m ready, I’m sure I’ll figure out what it is that I need to do with my time. I write, I pray, I spend time with my daughter. I worry, I pray, I make funny comments on Facebook, and every once in a while, I eat. Seems too long a title for a bestseller; Write, Pray, Parent, Worry, Pray, Be Sarcastic, Eat. But then, you never know what people will like. Especially if they’re like me. 😉

Until next time…