enjoying life

Take a moment and watch this video, good song!

Well, let’s hope so. I swear, looking back over the last twelve months of my life I would have thought there might be a few more victories there. Sadly, I was doing pretty much the same thing this time last year as I am today. On my 39th birthday, I was traveling to Cincinnati for a job interview which didn’t pan out and I was in relational negotiations with a loser. That’s a nice way of saying that I was in mid-breakup with a guy I was trying to date. It’s not like I didn’t accomplish anything, though. At least this year, it was a different guy and I really did make some changes that I feel will turn out to be the right thing. I just haven’t seen the fruits of those efforts yet. It makes it difficult sometimes to keep planning ahead and to keep pushing toward new goals. But in truth, I’ve been anticipating this day. My fortieth birthday. I’ve wanted so badly to be out of my thirties and now, I’m here.

Turning forty is a major milestone for me because it represents a fresh start after all of the upheavals and defeats suffered during my last decade. My thirties represented the birth of my child whom I love more than life itself, the rise and subsequent fall of my marriage, the loss of some very important family members, the difference between admiration, infatuation, and true love, the realization that maybe I’m not cut out to do what counts as “real work” in this society, and an even bigger realization that I’m really not the one whose steering this ship. I’m hopeful, that with God’s grace, I can move on to do something meaningful with the rest of my days on this earth. And even though it often seems like nothing is happening, I know He is working in my life. He’s certainly had me in a season on reflection and learning for the last ten years or so. And I think I’m finally starting to form a clear picture of what He’s been trying to show me.

Looking back on the last twenty years, I can see where these times have helped me grow and where what I thought were the toughest trials I’d ever faced made me stronger. God has a way of showing us who we are when we aren’t really paying attention. All this time, I thought some of the things I were doing were just being done out of my inability to follow Him correctly. As it turns out, it was part of His plan to help me overcome the most daunting strongholds that I still had in my life. So, for my fortieth birthday, I’m giving myself the gift of giving up. I’m giving up on things and people that are bad for me. I’m giving up on relationships that hold no promise other than to hurt me and stall my progress. I’m giving up what I believed to be control of my life to Someone who is better equipped than myself to guide me through this mess. I’m giving up on trying to be what everyone else wants me to be. And in doing so, I’ll be giving up on being frustrated and finally allowing myself to enjoy being the person God made me to be. Yes, after forty years, I think it’s time I started being myself. Maybe this trip around the sun will be more than just another trip around the same mountain. I’ll get back to you on that…but in the meantime, have a wonderfully, blessed day!

There’s something about the holidays that brings out my sentimental side. Most people wouldn’t believe that I listen to Christmas music in my car, that I always try to put up my Christmas tree right after Thanksgiving, that I like to watch the same sappy Christmast movies over and over throughout November and December or that I look forward to seeing all of the lights and decorations go up each year. I just don’t seem to be that way in real life. The truth is, Christmas has been the most consistent thing in my life over all these years and for this, I have set aside a special place in my heart for all things Christmas.

The earliest memories of Christmas I have are of my father being on the road working and my mother and I spending most of the season alone. There were always lots of presents back then because I was an only child for six years. One year, I remember getting a guitar which I promptly broke. How did I know that tightening up the strings would cause such a catastrophe? I was only about five years old and I really had no idea how to approach the instrument. Needless to say, I never learned how to play.

Just a few years later, when there were a couple of sisters added to the mix, Christmas was always time to visit relatives and eat pies and candies that were brought in by relatives we only saw a few times a year. It was the time when everyone enjoyed being together and things didn’t seem quite so complicated.

There were some Christmases when things weren’t so great, but I always remember feeling good about this time of year because people made an effort to be together. Whether that came from guilt or holiday spirit didn’t matter, the point was that we were together. Now, years later, as everyone has either divorced, moved away or both, it’s harder to get together. Members of the family have gotten older, some have strayed from reality, some have just disappeared altogether, some are sick, some have passed away. Though this time of year could be a time of sadness, I can still find contentment in hearing the same old songs each year, watching the same old movies, and looking at the same old lights.

I’m not sure this makes sense to anyone but me, however, I think my point is this: Though families may change or go through difficult times, the fact remains that every year we have the opportunity to make things right again. Actually, every day we have this opportunity but most people don’t think of it until the holidays roll around. That’s okay. Every little bit helps. Even if there are those whom we can’t change, we can still enjoy what the season is about and appreciate that it means something to most everyone.

So, as I sit here in the dark (except for the lights on my Christmas tree), writing this, I hope you can think back on your Christmas experiences and find reasons why this is a great time for just enjoying life and being hopeful. Good things can still happen and most likely will. And if you can’t believe that, just turn on your radio and find that station that plays all Christmas music all the time. If that doesn’t make you smile, then you’re not trying hard enough.

Until next time…

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