Take a moment and watch this video, good song!
Well, let’s hope so. I swear, looking back over the last twelve months of my life I would have thought there might be a few more victories there. Sadly, I was doing pretty much the same thing this time last year as I am today. On my 39th birthday, I was traveling to Cincinnati for a job interview which didn’t pan out and I was in relational negotiations with a loser. That’s a nice way of saying that I was in mid-breakup with a guy I was trying to date. It’s not like I didn’t accomplish anything, though. At least this year, it was a different guy and I really did make some changes that I feel will turn out to be the right thing. I just haven’t seen the fruits of those efforts yet. It makes it difficult sometimes to keep planning ahead and to keep pushing toward new goals. But in truth, I’ve been anticipating this day. My fortieth birthday. I’ve wanted so badly to be out of my thirties and now, I’m here.
Turning forty is a major milestone for me because it represents a fresh start after all of the upheavals and defeats suffered during my last decade. My thirties represented the birth of my child whom I love more than life itself, the rise and subsequent fall of my marriage, the loss of some very important family members, the difference between admiration, infatuation, and true love, the realization that maybe I’m not cut out to do what counts as “real work” in this society, and an even bigger realization that I’m really not the one whose steering this ship. I’m hopeful, that with God’s grace, I can move on to do something meaningful with the rest of my days on this earth. And even though it often seems like nothing is happening, I know He is working in my life. He’s certainly had me in a season on reflection and learning for the last ten years or so. And I think I’m finally starting to form a clear picture of what He’s been trying to show me.
Looking back on the last twenty years, I can see where these times have helped me grow and where what I thought were the toughest trials I’d ever faced made me stronger. God has a way of showing us who we are when we aren’t really paying attention. All this time, I thought some of the things I were doing were just being done out of my inability to follow Him correctly. As it turns out, it was part of His plan to help me overcome the most daunting strongholds that I still had in my life. So, for my fortieth birthday, I’m giving myself the gift of giving up. I’m giving up on things and people that are bad for me. I’m giving up on relationships that hold no promise other than to hurt me and stall my progress. I’m giving up what I believed to be control of my life to Someone who is better equipped than myself to guide me through this mess. I’m giving up on trying to be what everyone else wants me to be. And in doing so, I’ll be giving up on being frustrated and finally allowing myself to enjoy being the person God made me to be. Yes, after forty years, I think it’s time I started being myself. Maybe this trip around the sun will be more than just another trip around the same mountain. I’ll get back to you on that…but in the meantime, have a wonderfully, blessed day!
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