And the merry bells keep ringing…

or so they say. It’s the holiday season once again and I find myself feeling happy that they are here, but at the same time plagued by a sense of sadness and uneasiness. I’m not quite sure what is causing my dismay. Things are good. People are doing ok. There have been some ups and downs this year, but for the most part, it was ok.

I guess this feeling might have something to do with watching my little girl get older. Her personality has really started to show over these last few months and I can see for sure that she is truly my little girl. She has the same attitude, the same sense of humor and the same flair for the dramatic. I’m enjoying seeing her figure things out and really grasp how to do things. I’m also dreading watching her go to school in the next couple of years. Luckily, I have an extra year before she starts kindergarten because she is a November baby.

I might also be feeling this way because each Thanksgiving, I visit both of my parents for dinner and I always get to see people that I haven’t seen for a while. For some reason, this makes me sad. I’m happy to see friends and family, but it also hurts a little to know that you have no control over the passage of time. Watching some of my relatives grow older is difficult for me. I don’t do well with loss and any time I lose someone, I find it very hard to recover. Although we haven’t lost anyone this year, the feeling hangs over me like a weight that is ready to drop on my shoulders when I’m not expecting it. It’s tough, but like everyone else, I have to deal with the inevitable. At some point, I will lose someone else I care about and there will be nothing that I can do to stop it. Depressing, but what can I say.

Though I love the holidays, I always have this little nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach when it comes time to put up the tree or buy gifts or do anything that is remotely festive. This is my favorite time of year and I am not sure how I can be so happy yet so sad at the same time, but I do it every year. I am hopeful that this will be a great Christmas and that we’ll all get to 2008 in one piece. But, in my heart, I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I guess for now, I will have to take some pleasure in listening to my favorite Christmas songs on the radio when I’m out looking for that perfect gift. I’ll observe happily as my daughter watches some of my old favorite Christmas cartoons. I’ll thank God that I’ve made it this far and I’ll pray that the next year will be even better. For now, I’ll turn up that radio and listen as Happy Holidays floats past my ears.

Until next time…


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